I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
