Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
