I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
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You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
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I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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