i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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