i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
