She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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