I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
