people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
