I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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