I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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