Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
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Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
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We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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