I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
