Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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