i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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