True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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