I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
