seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
