dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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