I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
