i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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