I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
