apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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