listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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