Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
