Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
