I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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