I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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