i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
be right there i have to get my cape
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
