I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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