I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
