Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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