Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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