I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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