sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
