Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
