the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
