I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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