someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
