Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
