When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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