this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
