***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
