i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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