you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
