I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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