I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
