You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
