oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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