i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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