she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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