Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
