and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
