frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
