If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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