why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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