Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
