I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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